Today I learned a valuable lesson. While I may think I’m giving the best version of myself as a friend, and I’m the “strong friend,” the one who’s always positive and checking up on others and tries her best to listen and advise those she loves the most. It sometimes may not be enough.
I would say if there was a Hollywood Star for people who go above and beyond for their friends I would have one. I’m the friend that deserves an EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony), mind you… only a handful of people have that honor. I would be that friend. It’s not to sound cocky, or overly confident. I just know the type of love, time and energy I put into friendships is unmatched. I’m the friend that gives great advice and sometimes uses it herself, but I also feel like no one does the same for me in return. Let my mother tell it, it’s a gift and a curse I have. I’ve come to accept it. I do so much for people but don’t always have those same acts of endearment reciprocated. I’m still learning to accept that- there are people who just don’t give the same type of energy as me. But I feel like something as simple as being a great friend isn’t that difficult. Again, not everyone is or does what I do, not everyone thinks how I think. I get that.
By no means am I trying to make it sound as if I’m perfect. I know and understand people process things differently. That people may not want to talk or express how they feel right away. While I may not have a filter, I just feel like people should be able to communicate. If I’ve ever done something wrong to anyone I would want to clear it up. I never want to make people feel, like how they feel doesn’t matter. I try my hardest to be the voice of reason but I also understand too that just because I don’t fly off at the mouth doesn’t mean others won’t. I’d rather have the chance to explain myself and how you may have taken my response in the present, than in the future, when it’s too late and you don’t want to hear it.
I once heard Kandi from Love & Hip Hop say, “If I’m friends with someone and we get into an argument and that friend ends up mad at me but I don’t know it, then they have a problem with themselves and not me. I can’t fix a problem I didn’t even know existed.” For the life of me, I can’t tell you why that has stuck with me but it holds value. As I mentioned above I am not perfect in any way shape or form, but if it’s one thing I won’t do, is hold in something negative. It’s not good for me, nor is it good for the relationship. It truly saddens me when a relationship ends. I literally wish I could be friends with people forever. That no one ever argued and it was just world peace for everyone (in my Oprah ‘you get a car’ voice). I understand that’s not realistic at all. It’s just hard for me to let go of a relationship that didn’t have any type of beef or bad blood.
Now, people I also believe are put into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. I’ve said this numerous times before. I just can’t put into words or explain it any other way besides being heart broken. Today I lost a friend, and I wished things could’ve been different. I cried real tears because I thought our relationship was stronger. I am big on communication and I try my hardest to not over speak, be defensive (I’m working on it), and I think I chose my friends wisely. To the people who I’ve hurt in the past and I didn’t know, I’m sorry. I wish we could’ve fixed our relationship. To any future friends, I hope we can build a strong lasting relationship. Please understand, this person decided not to be bothered with me anymore based off of something I said to them (when the actual situation took place). I wasn’t given the chance to explain my side, and nor was I angry or upset towards them. Hence why I mentioned the Kandi Burruss comment.
I can’t sit and dwell on the “what ifs”, the “whys”, and “what abouts.” We had our run and now it’s over. I wish you nothing but the best but this is the season finale of our show. Good luck to you. I also learned as much as I want to be friends forever, and while I may not always understand “why” things happen, I need to continue to protect my peace and energy. What I give just doesn’t cut it anymore and that’s just something I have to learn to deal with. It’s not that I’m a bad person or I’m ‘doing too much’ my love just isn’t enough so I have to learn to let go, as much as it hurts. It’s necessary.