Love & Loss

If 2020 has taught me anything it’s to continue to love yourself and those around you. This year alone has been tough with the pandemic, people dying famous or not, every day life, depression, anxiety, loss of jobs, just throw the year away. 2020 is trash and there are still some months ahead (face plant emoji).

This post was going to focus on self preservation. I myself haven’t been in the mood to write much or even continue to work on my craft of doing spoken word. I haven’t been motivated.

As I write this I am reflecting on loving those around you. A few hours ago I watched a funeral service of a friend of mine I grew up with. He and I weren’t as close the older we got, but I’ve always said I never wanted to know someone too pass away. Death is not an easy thing. People grieve and heal differently and loosing someone that you know, no matter the circumstance is just sad. You think of their family and loved ones and how much hurt they must be experiencing. Like my mother and so many other people have said before “give me my flowers while I’m here.” Death of a human being always makes me wonder too, who all would miss me when it’s my time. We honestly don’t know when we may leave this earth, that’s why it’s so important to try and stay positive. Tell your loved ones or people you love them while they are here.

This year COVID has taken hold of everyone and everything. Gatherings and celebrations are different, even funerals. All I’m saying is continue to spread love. Continue to focus on you, your goals, your dreams and aspirations.

Like I mentioned I originally wanted this post to be about self preservation and I think it’s fair to say I’m learning more about protecting myself and my peace. For those who don’t know, I host bi-weekly events on my Instagram live about different topics, and last week was about self preservation. Since then, I’ve just been trying to focus on me. I cannot and will no longer worry about other people or try to be the listening ear. Now, I’m not saying if someone comes to me and ask for advice or needs my help I’m going to turn them away. I am just choosing to be selective about how much energy I put into people. I’ve said before I know the energy I give isn’t reciprocated at all if often and I’m okay with that. I know me being who I am is what makes me so special, it’s my gift to the world.

What prompted my original thought of my self preservation post was having a conversation with someone who I considered a friend. We, I would say, had a disagreement. What bothered me about the conversation was this person choose to laugh at me expressing myself. If it’s something I don’t appreciate and I know I don’t do to people is laugh at their expense. Doing so, in my opinion makes me feel like you’re not really listening to my point of view, and you’re making me feel like my opinion doesn’t matter. Laughing at someone who is being transparent and honest, at least for me, will make me not to want to be open and honest with you at all, ever. I said what I needed and wanted to say as clearly as I could. Your response wasn’t warranted. Your response was like you were brushing off my feelings, and for someone who I thought was my friend it hurt. It’s okay, I can clearly see that what we were discussing bothered you. You didn’t like what I had to say and your laughter was your response. I truly don’t think you were hearing what I had to say. Like my mom says, “you can only control your actions.”

Trying to wonder, figure out, understand, why people act the way they do will only drive me crazy. The rest of this year I am self preserving, by any and all means necessary. I can’t continue to explain my side to a person who just doesn’t get it, wither they realize they are hurting my feelings or not. My focus is to keep my energy as high as possible. I’m already battling enough at times mentally I can’t try to fix other people, or explain why I feel the way I do. Please, don’t read this and get the impression that I am feeling the need to explain my side all the time, but when I have a conversation with said person and they blatantly laugh at my thoughts/opinions/feelings, that’s not cool. We don’t have to agree all the time, but I would never and have never laughed at someone’s honesty. The crazy thing is, the conversation we were having, we’ve had it before, but I guess sometimes people don’t know how to express themselves. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. I’m not sure. But what I’m not going to continue to do is have my voice be diminished because people may not like what my point of view.

In closing, have you done everything you can to protect your peace? Have you contacted that person who’s crossed your mind multiple times? I’m not saying you have to be buddy-buddy with a hater you may have, but life is too precious. Continue to build your brand. Continue to protect your peace. Check on your loved ones too, no matter the circumstance, you don’t want them to pass and you wish you would’ve done something.

I love you and thanks for reading.