Get your tissues, this post will be the most emotional and longest I’ve ever written to date.
Growing up it was always my mother and I. My biological father wasn’t in the picture. I’d only heard stories from my mother as a child growing up about who he was, their relationship and how things abruptly ended. As you can imagine being a young child I couldn’t really grasp why my father wasn’t around and I’m sure it only broke my mothers heart the more I asked her why he wasn’t there, where he was, all the questions young me asked, it was just as hard on her too. To see that her baby couldn’t have the memories and relationship with her dad that I would create with my mother was heart wrenching. I was only ever told about the relationship my parents had and then one day my father left. Leaving my mother to raise me alone and not knowing why. My mother did a great job and as best she could sharing stories and giving me things that like pictures, and momentos so I could feel connected to my biological dad in some way growing up.
I remember one time I had asked my mother yet again about him and this was just around the time the internet became a thing. Me, being the inquisitive child I was I searched his name and I remember telling my mother I found him. I honestly couldn’t tell you what her response was, or what happened after that. I probably cried. Finding the man who had a part in creating me and seeing him on a computer screen. I knew from the stories my mother told me that my father had other children, two other daughters and a son.
I had so many emotions growing up knowing that my father was out there but left me hanging. I was mostly angry at him for having another family and just essentially forgetting about me. I became angry and disliked any man my mother dated and I couldn’t tell you why. I guess part of me felt like it had always been just my mother and I. Maybe I felt like any man who came in the picture would just leave and hurt her and me all over again. Granted, I don’t have any memories of my father seeing as how when he left my mother and I, I was only a baby. I guess subconsciously, I was able to just put two and two together and I wanted to just spare my mother the pain. Our pain. Eventually I stopped asking about my biological dad.
As I got older, into my middle and high school years my biological father wasn’t a thought. I still had tons of anger and resentment towards him but I knew, or I thought at least I couldn’t be angry at him for so long. So I tried to move on. I became more sad and nonchalant. My step dad became my father. He was the man my mom married when I was in high school and has been there for me like a father should. I always looked to him for things a young girl would look to her father for. People just always assumed he was my father because I’m mixed and if he, my mom (she’s my twin), and I were seen out it would just appear she’d married a white man (insert laughing crying emoji). Even when my step dad came into the picture I wasn’t nice to him at all. After a while I just stopped saying “step” and just introduced him as my dad.
Writing this I’d be lying if I said I still didn’t hold anger before January 22, 2020. I always battled with reaching out to my other siblings, and my father. Long story short I was supposed to meet him one day while I was still in New Jersey but things ended up happening and I never got the chance.
I was always scared, nervous, didn’t care, wasn’t sure, etc. about how my siblings would take me reaching out to them. What do you say to people who you’ve known about all your life but they don’t know about you? (Or so I thought). I didn’t want to seem like that unstable person coming out the woodwork, like “Hey, my name is Jordan we have the same father. Wanna love me unconditionally now?” Like… what. I just couldn’t do it, so it was always just a thought of mine until one day it wasn’t.
Let me just say my life was great growing up. Not having my biological father in my life definitely affected me and still does presently but I will never take for granted the man I have in my life now or my mom for playing both roles for all those years before she met my dad.
Now, let me back track a bit and explain when I first moved to Virginia. I’d been here for at least a year and I remember my mother and I talking about that time many years prior when I found my father on the internet. I remember clearly saying it just like that to my mother “remember when I found Lamont (who for the longest I struggled to even say his name or even to give him the proper title of my dad) on the internet all those years ago, I wonder if I could find him again.” When I found out that he had died I was shocked. I remember showing my mother the online-obituary and so many emotions came over me. Even still I couldn’t bring myself to reconnect with my siblings. It was too scary for me. I remember feeling like, man I’ll never be able to ask him all those questions I wanted to ask him years prior. Part of me still feels that way, but there is nothing I can do about it. He’s gone.
My feelings of anger towards my biological father would come in waves. Some days I just wouldn’t think about him, other’s I’d be so upset because again, there was so much I wanted to ask, but couldn’t. Writing, if you can’t tell by now is therapeutic. It’s my thing. One of the many ways I coped with not having him around was writing. I wrote a poem in my book called Fatherless Man. I’m only mentioning this because that was written in 2014 and now 6 years later I don’t feel the same. 6 years. That’s not even including all the years I spent hurt, crying, confused, and in pain growing up. That poem was filled with anger at my dad, and his other wife (stories that I heard growing up) and after speaking with my siblings once we reconnected I understood more of our dads relationship with them growing up, etc it’s just not necessary. I had so much anger back then because again, I only knew the one side. I’m not writing this to point fingers, to accuse, or to make it seem like my sisters parents (their mom and our dad) where these bad people. I’m writing this to tell you all I was hurt. I never felt like I mattered. I never felt like my father cared. I was only told the story of the one person who was a constant in my life, my mom. It wasn’t until 1/22/2020 that everything changed. This post is about reconnecting with my biological siblings.
After therapy, (fast forward to present) and finally just not being scared (kind of) that was the day I decided to finally reach out, 1/22/2020. I had already done my FBI duties and stalked my siblings. I believe I found my oldest sister Kimberly on Facebook (years prior mind you) I forgot to mention that, but I just wasn’t ready to reach out. So, when I finally did I had already constructed a letter with the help of my mom to kind of explain who this person (me) was reaching out to her. I sent it to her and my sister Khaleeah (I knew she had a Facebook too). My heart was racing, I was crying uncontrollably. Kimberly responded so quick I didn’t even know what to do. Can you say full blown anxiety attack. I called my mom crying because Kimberly was so welcoming. She was so excited that when we were messaging back and forth she accidentally gave me the wrong number. The night I reached out was a Wednesday. Needless to say it was tons of emotions. I couldn’t believe that she not only knew who I was but she and Khaleeah had been trying to find me, and was just talking about me the other day! (Are you crying yet). I spoke to my sisters and my brother Lamont Jr. named after my father all night. I didn’t go to sleep until probably 4 AM that morning.
I still can’t believe it some days. My siblings and I are doing great. We are learning each other and did I mention I love them. Whew… I never would’ve thought I’d be able to even tell them that. Everything is still so new. I was able to share some stories with them along with my moms help about the time I was supposed to meet my dad, but after speaking with my sisters and putting the pieces together we realized (my mother and I) that my biological dad had been in the hospital a few times which is why we never got the chance to meet.
I will forever be grateful for them for being so welcoming and wanting to build a relationship with me. I have nephews and a niece too! So exciting! The weirdest thing probably is that I’m not the baby any more, at least not on my dad’s side. My brother is the youngest. Ya’ll I have a little brother, lol. Like… what. He’s 3 years younger than me. My siblings are super chill and funny. I am just so blessed that I can finally have a relationship with them. Again, all of this is still so new but I am so glad I finally was able to reach out and build a relationship with them. I’m learning things about my father little by little. I honestly don’t know what to say or even ask my siblings sometimes because they got to grow up and make memories with him. That’s something I’ll never have. I have to come to terms with that, and I am, it’s just still so crazy to me that my siblings want me in their life. I mean of course you’re thinking, why wouldn’t they? But when I tell you that was something I was always so scared of. I didn’t know what kind of life they had growing up, if they knew about me, how’d they feel about another sibling reaching out and me not knowing they knew who I was. Either way, this is all still a learning experience but it’s a beautiful one.
Wanna know a secret?.. I didn’t start getting teary until this very last paragraph.
While so much has happened with this pandemic currently going on January 22, 2020 is a day I’ll always remember. My life changed forever. It changed for the better. Below are some pictures of my siblings, nieces, and nephews.
4 thoughts on “January 22, 2020”
Wow, thank you for your vulnerability. As a father who recently went through a divorce and who myself came from a blended and broken family, I have lots of issues in the past and present that I’m dealing with. Your journey and sharing has resonated with me and helped me greatly. Thank you.
Thank you so much. I appreciate it. I am sorry you went through a divorce but please continue if you have children to be in their lives. What a beautiful thing to have a blended family. I am blessed for my step dad and my new found relationship with my siblings. I am so glad I could help you in some way. That truly means a lot to me.
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It is painful but you lived it so gracefully. Much love for you.
Nice write up !
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Thank you so much! Yes it’s an adjustment but I’m so thankful that things are going well.
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